Saturday, February 05, 2005

Hoping for non-existence...

Every minute I breathe I feel a deep sense of ingrateness and wonder and marvel at how the world can change people. Often, I ask myself, am I the one changing or the world changing?

Is it because we've reached a stage of success and so called UNIVERSITY... we are to be in this realm of our own... marvel at the world outside with tinted shades or behind our glasses or contact lenses... is it because this little bit of success or even a wholesome lot of it can mean one is special or is deserving of great respect and unique treatment? I marvel.

Today I received a msg... a simple one. That simply tore my day apart! Interesting.

Although I did meet my army friend, whom I last saw in late last year before he left for Beijing University. Some how bumped into him at Newton. Also, played frisbee and met some nice people at the SESS dinner gathering... yes.

But somehow the impression I get about this lady has changed quite drastically recently. Maybe I am the one changing, as she says. Maybe.

I think I am the one who has still not given up though some people might say... "Nobody asks you to do these... so why go through the trouble"... And it's different if you are doing something for someone and he/she says that sentence to you! You'll be devastated! Trust me there. Can you imagine after putting years of efforts into something the person says oh... thanks but noone asked you to. Maybe I am the one changing... 'cos I have come to realise the folly.

I think I am the one changing... 'cos I have come to question more things in life. I've got lost in my own messy concrete jungle as I search for the busyness that mires a friend's life... but the harder I search the deeper I sunk in... somehow I never really came out. I'm probably still sinking in. Who in the sane mind would want to spend his entire school life slogging out for research... profs... projects... who!?@%?!^!@%?@!%?!@%?!@^?!@$%@!^%?!@ I'm probably the one who changed... to be the one who is sinking now... I changed... probably.

I think I am not being respected. I think I am not being treated with the amount of importance I deserve. I think... I think... I think! But wait a minute 'cos am I the one changing to be more self-centred? Maybe I am. But can you try putting yourself in my shoes now? I've been trying my best to put myself in your/others' shoes... looking at the situation and circumstances before I make judgements. I've gone out of my way just to help some friends... from the simple act of passing a coffee/tea/chocolate during the late-night studying or simply bringing some help in the form of research and project work. I guess it's probably not me changing?

I don't know what I am typing... 'cos I'm thinking!

How I wish Descarte's meditation I was right!

If only my mere existence can be challenged by the mere ability to think. If only the tomorrow I breate can be a dream and a fantasy I'll indulge forever. If only I am a bit more appreciated... if only... I could vanish for a moment for utopia!


dk scribbled
1:08 AM
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