Sunday, January 16, 2005

Thinking

I've been thinking quite a bit over the weekend...

Muddled in the piles of assignments that ramble through my head... why am I trying to do so many things now?

Is it simply trying to out-wit someone or to really test my limits? What for I challenge myself and get out of the rather comfortable "zone" and get so stressed and tired? Reality somehow seems to reflect that I am heading down a path I cannot reverse.

The relation between me and some friends have become a bit milder... a bit colder... especially that special friend out there. Everytime I try to even converse with the friend, I some how feel the restrictions... is it me? Or is it just her? I guess It's probably me... and maybe my over sensitivity to matters. I think being normal friends beat being someone unique or special... there's a sort of commitment that you have to put in and attention that you WANT and GIVE...

Is this world such a cold and paper-driven one?

I'm in a rat race that I never once was in... true... I could just live life away as a normal guy. Just imagine... if I had not entered Chinese High and HCJC... simply living life the way my parents used to... do note that I'm a son of parents who did not have much formal education. I'm proud that the system has done so much good for me. But ironically, I might just die within the system one day. It's a neverending race that goes on and on. An assignment today may just mean another deadline... or it could snowball and imply several other commitments and dates to beat... greed? I don't think it's really greed. It's rather like the society expectations.

Carroll's model of 4 business responsibilities? Societal expectation would evolve what seemed to be a "can do" (voluntarily) to a "should do" (compelled). This is very much what I feel like now... as you climb up the ladder you find more and more stiff competition... higher and higher levels of expectations are beamed upon you... the slightest oversight could just lose you that spot and cause you to crumble.

Theories and fallacies... what are thou? In the world where logic is said to be key. Knowledge is power. But what is so logical when our mere existence might simply be queried. Our tomorrow never a certainty in the calendar. We live the moment and breathe for the next second and chance to survive. I do remember talking to a friend before about existence. Can you imagine that all this is really a dream... a matrix kind of reality. Where everyone is simply existing 'cos you thought they are?

Maybe I should let my brain go loose and enjoy.

Maybe I should compel myself to relax.

I think I'll just head back to prepare for my presentation tomorrow and meeting too.


dk scribbled
11:20 PM
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